Oh...hello there. I've been out of the blogging game for a bit but, goddammit, I'M BACK.
I took a year off of the Internet to see if I could gain some perspective, re-assess life goals and set up for the imminent POST # 1,000. Well, I got sidetracked a fair bit and found that it's far easier to rest on ones laurels than it is to get out there and do something.
Character flaw? Sure. I've got plenty of them and each is more awful than the last. Anyways, as it turned out I got SO lazy I found myself at a very shitty point where I was one epic fuck-up away from getting shit-canned at my job. True story. It took me eight months or so to dig myself out of the hole I'd put myself in, but now I'm back on top. Kind of like being king shit of turd mountain.
I also used my time away to get fucking fat.
I went to the doctor back in August to have a check up and it went like this: "Hey fatty, you've gained twenty pounds since last August. You fat fuck. My prescription? Be less fat."
Since he's a doctor, I decided to do what he said. I've been eating a bit better and (gasp!) drinking less. Shannon's been doing a good job of keeping me on track and away from the fast food. I'm happy to say I'm now under 200 lbs. There's still a bit more work to do to get back to my high school fighting weight of 138 lbs... but I'm in this for the long haul. Topless photos to follow.
Let's get down to brass tacks. It's October, almost Halloween and almost a year since my last post. It's easy to make me nostalgic. If the wind blows the right way I'll start with a "Hey, you remember that time...?" So, when talking with blog co-conspirator Villa we hatched a plot. A plot to do A NEW HALLOWEEN TASTE TEST.
For those of you just joining us, the Halloween Taste Test is a time honored tradition that stretches back to time immemorial.
Here's a quick primer as to what's gone on before:
Everyone up to speed now? Good. Now take off your pants so we can get to it.
Here's Shannon showing off here candy hillbilly teeth. When reached for comment, Shannon could only say, "They tasted like sugar and I thought I broke my real teeth on them." She wears them well. Hers is a beauty that transcends poor dental hygiene.
I enjoy that the box goes right for the jugular by stating that the candy mimics the look and feel of real boogers.
Well, I'm here to say that I've never had a booger quite like this one and I've had some pretty gnarly colds in my day. Plus, the taste is all wrong too.
Candy Blood!
Finally, something to enjoy during our Twilight movie marathons...
We decided to have Villa be our Guinea Pig for this one (Ha! Unintentional racial slur!). He said it tasted of strawberries. Little did he know it was real blood and he now he has AIDS. Too much? He should have thought of that before agreeing to do another Halloween Taste Test.
It's now time for us to wrap this one up. What? Already? No foreplay? Could this be the final Halloween Taste Test? I don't rightfully know. But, given the fact that I've started posting on an annual basis and the blog is slated to "end" with post #1,000 I could conceivably stretch this out for another five years.
We're going to end this by doing something that would have been considered edgy in the mid-90's (or whenever Fear Factor was popular). We're going to eat some bugs... ON VIDEO. This is all shit that would have been cutting edge five or more years ago but no one had a video camera that could upload to the Internet back then.
Wow. That was sure thrilling, wasn't it?
The bugs weren't that bad, honestly. Anyone who has seen the Food Network show Unwrapped with Marc Summers knows that the bugs they use are cleaned like crazy and then dipped in the finest chocolate known to man prior to being sold to gullible tourists. If I wanted to do something truly horrifying, I'd dig up the FDA guidelines for how many pieces of bugs or rodent feces are allowed in food and post it here.
That's it. Now that I'm solidly in my 30's I like to end my blogs with kind of an "ehh"feeling. The fourth part of our quartet, Saliba, is off making a movie right now so he couldn't be present for this outing. Hopefully, we'll get him for the CHRISTMAS TASTE TEST. That way you can count on more sexually ambiguous jokes and generally weirdness.
So, I'm going to go now. I'll have a good long think and see what I can come up with about what I should do for my life's work and maybe, just maybe, post #1,000 will be all kinds of epic... whenever that is.
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