6/20/2012

#996: "Is This Thing Still On?"

So.

I'm relatively sure no one is really reading this right now which I find very liberating.  Also liberating: The fact that I'm writing this from bed. Nude. (I'm not really nude. That was a lie. Banana Republic pajama pants and a v-neck are the order of the evening.)

There's really no easy way to get this started. I've been away from my site for the last year and a half and in my absence I flirted with Facebook, cheated with Tumblr, and I keep Twitter on the side (Literally. It's still on the right side of the page. Okay, no more parenthetical nonsense for the rest of the post).

It's a lot like reaching out to someone you haven't seen in years that's always been in the back of your mind in some capacity. How do you reconnect after such a long absence? Since my brain never shuts off, whenever I see or hear something of interest there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says, mockingly, "maybe you should go update your blog, jerk-off."

So. Here I am, the post no one wanted and no one ever thought they would see again.

***

With the passage of time I've noted that the more traditionally successful I am, the less content I am. I could talk a lot about my job and how things are "pretty good" at the present time and how they let me take home a $118,000 super car last month. Empty bragging aside, I felt the need to do something that I would find fulfilling.

After a damn near a decade of failed plays, rejected scripts, and collaborations that went nowhere... I finally got something that works. I came close with a vanity project last year but it's not ready yet. I don't know if it will ever be. How is "trite" playing with the general public these days?

My pal Max emailed me about a year ago and the gist of the email was, "I have an idea for a comic and I want you to write it." How could I say no?

The bulk of the concept was hashed out in all day email sessions 5 days a week over what seemed like most of September. The script was written over Devil's Night and Halloween last year. With any luck, it'll be finished, printed, and ready for sale by this Halloween.

Reviewing the above paragraphs makes this project sound really important. It certainly is to me. It's the biggest deal that isn't a big deal at all. We have no major backing. We'll be publishing this on our own and it's a foregone conclusion that we will lose money on this. But it's GETTING DONE.

It's called EME and it's a start. Watch this space.

***

Almost forgot. Here's the "in progress" cover to #1



10/17/2010

#995: HALLOWEEN TASTE TEST 2K10!!!

Oh...hello there. I've been out of the blogging game for a bit but, goddammit, I'M BACK.

I took a year off of the Internet to see if I could gain some perspective, re-assess life goals and set up for the imminent POST # 1,000. Well, I got sidetracked a fair bit and found that it's far easier to rest on ones laurels than it is to get out there and do something.

Character flaw? Sure. I've got plenty of them and each is more awful than the last. Anyways, as it turned out I got SO lazy I found myself at a very shitty point where I was one epic fuck-up away from getting shit-canned at my job. True story. It took me eight months or so to dig myself out of the hole I'd put myself in, but now I'm back on top. Kind of like being king shit of turd mountain.

I also used my time away to get fucking fat.

I went to the doctor back in August to have a check up and it went like this: "Hey fatty, you've gained twenty pounds since last August. You fat fuck. My prescription? Be less fat."

Since he's a doctor, I decided to do what he said. I've been eating a bit better and (gasp!) drinking less. Shannon's been doing a good job of keeping me on track and away from the fast food. I'm happy to say I'm now under 200 lbs. There's still a bit more work to do to get back to my high school fighting weight of 138 lbs... but I'm in this for the long haul. Topless photos to follow.

Let's get down to brass tacks. It's October, almost Halloween and almost a year since my last post. It's easy to make me nostalgic. If the wind blows the right way I'll start with a "Hey, you remember that time...?" So, when talking with blog co-conspirator Villa we hatched a plot. A plot to do A NEW HALLOWEEN TASTE TEST.

For those of you just joining us, the Halloween Taste Test is a time honored tradition that stretches back to time immemorial.

Here's a quick primer as to what's gone on before:
2006! Parts One and Two
2005! Parts One and Two

Everyone up to speed now? Good. Now take off your pants so we can get to it.

Here's Shannon showing off here candy hillbilly teeth. When reached for comment, Shannon could only say, "They tasted like sugar and I thought I broke my real teeth on them." She wears them well. Hers is a beauty that transcends poor dental hygiene.


Next up: Box of Boogers.
I enjoy that the box goes right for the jugular by stating that the candy mimics the look and feel of real boogers.
Well, I'm here to say that I've never had a booger quite like this one and I've had some pretty gnarly colds in my day. Plus, the taste is all wrong too.

Candy Blood!

Finally, something to enjoy during our Twilight movie marathons...

We decided to have Villa be our Guinea Pig for this one (Ha! Unintentional racial slur!). He said it tasted of strawberries. Little did he know it was real blood and he now he has AIDS. Too much? He should have thought of that before agreeing to do another Halloween Taste Test.

It's now time for us to wrap this one up. What? Already? No foreplay? Could this be the final Halloween Taste Test? I don't rightfully know. But, given the fact that I've started posting on an annual basis and the blog is slated to "end" with post #1,000 I could conceivably stretch this out for another five years.

We're going to end this by doing something that would have been considered edgy in the mid-90's (or whenever Fear Factor was popular). We're going to eat some bugs... ON VIDEO. This is all shit that would have been cutting edge five or more years ago but no one had a video camera that could upload to the Internet back then.


Wow. That was sure thrilling, wasn't it?

The bugs weren't that bad, honestly. Anyone who has seen the Food Network show Unwrapped with Marc Summers knows that the bugs they use are cleaned like crazy and then dipped in the finest chocolate known to man prior to being sold to gullible tourists. If I wanted to do something truly horrifying, I'd dig up the FDA guidelines for how many pieces of bugs or rodent feces are allowed in food and post it here.

That's it. Now that I'm solidly in my 30's I like to end my blogs with kind of an "ehh"feeling. The fourth part of our quartet, Saliba, is off making a movie right now so he couldn't be present for this outing. Hopefully, we'll get him for the CHRISTMAS TASTE TEST. That way you can count on more sexually ambiguous jokes and generally weirdness.

So, I'm going to go now. I'll have a good long think and see what I can come up with about what I should do for my life's work and maybe, just maybe, post #1,000 will be all kinds of epic... whenever that is.

10/18/2009

#994: I Have Beaten Surgery

Just over a month ago (9/9/09 to be exact) I went in for my hernia surgery. It was a blast... except for the whole getting cut open part.

I wasn't allowed any food or liquid after midnight the night before the surgery which was kind of a drag but not as much of a drag as not being able to take any kind of painkillers for the entire week proceeding the surgery. The carrot being dangled in front of my face was the promise of awesome drugs at the end of the experience.

Surprisingly, I was able to sleep the night before going to the hospital. I had to get up sometime before the sun rose to get ready for my 8:30 AM check-in. Per the packet I got in the mail before surgery I wasn't allowed any kind of deodorant or cologne. I'm sure the hospital staff is always glad to see sweaty, nervous people checking in.

So I showered, shaved, combed my hair and tried to keep the feeling that I wasn't going to wake up after going under in check. Reviewing the statistics really kept me from going completely nuts. A guy in his 30's in okay health has a pretty good shot at making it through a routine surgery. I could also tell that I'd do fine because my surgeon had 1) Done my dad's hernia surgery last year, and 2) The way he treated the surgery with the casual nature of someone that has preformed it hundreds (if not thousands) of times before. Just like flushing a toilet.

Shannon and I drove to the hospital, making it just in time for my check-in. My surgery had originally been scheduled for that afternoon but I had received a call the day before advising me that it had been bumped up.... Thanks to my father.

Five years ago my dad has lost his job as a dental technician and was unemployed for a couple years. Eventually, he got a job at the same hospital my mother works at working in environmental services. To be succinct, he cleans up operating rooms. I once asked him if all the blood and gore bothered him and he responded, "Well, it's not mine so not really."

Anyways, he had my surgery rescheduled under the guise of it being better time-wise for recovery. That is to say, I'd be able to get home and get prescriptions filled that night with the minimum of effort. It's my opinion, however, that he wanted to keep an eye on me.

When I checked in, I left Shannon in the waiting room (complete with four month old magazines) and went back to the pre-op area. As I mentioned previously I had been fighting to keep it in check, I had even considered letting Shannon drive the car to the hospital so I wouldn't alter course to Canada.

While I was waiting they had me get naked and put on the traditional hospital gown (the one that allowed for my ass to hang out). A nice nurse came and gave me shot in the arm that numbed it up enough for her to put in my IV. "You'll feel some pressure" and I did. My dad came back and checked on me, I think he was more nervous than I was.

After about an hour they brought Shannon back to wait with me. Doctors and nurses were in and out while we waited. They told me about the kind of stuff they were going to use to put me under, they gave me some concentrated antibiotics in my IV and then it was time for the area to be "prepped." That's code for having my pubes shaved.

When the nurse (a different one, it seems like they had a different activity. She must have drawn the short straw) came back to shave me, I had to make Shannon leave the room. I don't think I would have been able to keep a straight face. I already had the mantra "no boners, no farts" going through my head.

It was weird having my crotch barbered and even weirder that I was told that it may tickle. Moreover, it was weird that she was so conversational. I guess when you look at wieners and hoo-hahs all day it all becomes old hat. Even when faced with a phallus as tremendous as mine.

Freshly shorn, it was now time for the shot that was designed to calm me down. They straightened out my bed and wheeled me down the hall, followed by Shannon and my dad. While they were moving me to the OR there was music being played over the PA, it was the music box like lullaby tune. I was pretty high at this point and I couldn't see anything (I had given Shannon my glasses and wallet) but I do remember we shared a look of mutual confusion.

Then I was in the OR. I had been told that I may not remember anything after they gave me the first shot, but I somehow was able to keep with it. The had me shift over from my bed to the operating table (which was cold on my bare ass) and then they brought down the mask and told me to breath deeply. I took three big huffs off of the gas and then...

To be continued...right now!
...I woke up. I was in the recovery area, my eyes were heavy and it felt like I had been stabbed. Oh, did it ever. I had heard stories from my dad about patients that come out of it crying or ready to fight, luckily I was right back to "normal."
I don't know if this is a point of pride or not but they had to shoot up my IV bag a few times before the edge came off. Also, I'm pretty sure the vicodin they gave me after that cost about $800.
My father came back to see me first and asked how I was doing. I responded, "I had the strangest dream... and you were there, and you were there..." A Wizard of Oz joke to lighten the mood. After that, they brought Shannon back and I decided it would be funny to pretend like there had been a problem during surgery and act like I had no memory of her.
Aside from the stabby feeling, I had the shakes really bad. I wasn't exactly cold (even though my ass was hanging out as previously noted) but I was impatient as all get out. I just wanted to get dressed and get home.
Getting dressed the first time after surgery was fine, the three shots of whatever and vicoden made the stabby-ness tolerable. I was a long walk to the discharge area so they had me wheeled out to the car. Then it was off to CVS to get my prescription filled!
At CVS I slowly hobbled around on my cane, bent slightly at the waist. I wasn't yet able to stand up straight (It would be a couple of weeks...). We ran into one of our friends and I promptly jabbed her with my cane. Searing physical pain aside, this was getting to be a pretty sweet deal.
We got home I got into bed and took a couple of pills, read some comics and watched some DVDs. It'd been a long day so I took a couple more pills and checked out around midnight. When I woke up I thought I had been asleep for the entire night, the clock across the room looked like it was seven in the morning. Oh no, it was three.
It was three in the morning and my pain was back in full effect. I had to wake Shannon up to get me more pills. It was only later in the day that I found out my pills weren't working like they should and had to call my doctor for another prescription.
The few weeks of my recovery were some of the best times in recent memory. After the first week's discomfort I literally had nothing to do. It was like how I imagine rich people live, except for the money bit. So I guess it was a bir more like being retired... and on a fixed income.
Going back to work was one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. It was very much akin to a child being sent to school after a long and awesome summer vacation. I had discovered that what I liked doing best in life was nothing...and now I was having to go back to "something."
In closing, I'd like to say: Medical Leave... it's nice work if you can get it.

8/30/2009

#993: "Sometimes, When A Mommy And Daddy Love Each Other Very Much...."

"...They create a website together."

What? Where did you think this was going?

Shannon and I have launched a new blog I Love Halloween, a year-round source for all your Halloween needs. The idea came from our shared love of the season and our desire to see MORE of what we love.

Check it out.